I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
