remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
