is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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