I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I want to fling myself into the sun
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
