you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
where does the pee come out of this thing
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
