I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
