mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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