There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
