I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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