apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
