Its about making memories worth repressing
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
