I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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