New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
