The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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