I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
