felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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