Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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