Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
