The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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