For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
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He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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