i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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