I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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