I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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