Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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