wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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