May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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