Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
