i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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