non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
