I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
