All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
