How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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