I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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