I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
