my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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