I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize