the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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