Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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