When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
