why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
