she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
