So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I see more hoeing in ur future
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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