just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
send nudes
from the living room?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
