either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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