I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
