eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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