I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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