I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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