saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
