Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
