if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
