Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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