Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
