My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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