she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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