ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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