Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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