Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
