my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
