so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
