The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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